The way it started

We started with going to Disney World all the time, convincing his best friend to come with us once.  It was before 9/11 so I hid things in my shoes.  My black lace up shoes had a big chunky heal that popped off like a Lego piece, revealing a rather large compartment for holding things, all kinds of things to enhance our trip to the happiest place on earth.   And I would dress like his paid for whore because it drove him crazy and his attention would be on me all night, my twenty something reality of what love was.   I would revel in his angry moments when other men stared.  He would be so mad, saying some man just pushed his baby stroller into a poll because he was looking at me, and the group of mothers who quickly turned away when I walked up to the line for the Peter Pan adventure, I am so glad for lucid memories for they have taught the biggest lessons.  I would have probably continued on like that but Im glad that wasn't the case.  It takes a little time to mourn and let go of precious youth.  How important it was to travel while still in it.  Your pursuits in your twenties and thirties while on vacation will be so different than in your fifties.  No need to wait.  Make the new couch you want wait, the other material pursuits, for life is short and health isn't guatanteed for life. There were trips to Amsterdam when Disney got old until the last one had to be canceled.  I found out I was pregnant.  Now the gap of going again almost reaches a decade later and I know it won't be the same so I don't push to go.  Leave it for the memories of what was.  I don't think I can go back there with him.

So I like to needle my husband about his girl gazing when I'm drinking.  We don't go out together often, but we go out separately on a regular basis.  So when we are out together I needle him in no time at all, and I ruin the night, and it's just as bad as if he ruined the night doing what I needle him about.  But I'm so sick of what he does that I can't stomach one more memory of his girl gazing, that I will ruin it before it even happened.  He can't understand why I make such a big deal out of it.  "I don't know why you make such a big deal" he actually said.  It's like he popped the bubble, and literally the night of my fortieth birthday when he couldn't take his eyes off a cocktail waitress the entire evening.  His argument was "but I did everything else right, the surprise party, the reservations, I took care of everything!  Couldn't you just overlook this one little thing?"  I guess it's no big deal that I forgoed going to Key West with him in favor of hanging out with my mentally abusive mother for nine days when she already agreed to watch our kid so we can get away alone together.  But what fun would it be if I have to share the spotlight with women half my age?  Why does that make me jealous?   If Pinterest sayings were to be believed, then life is way to short to be stuck with mediocre love.  If I have to feel like I am with a caged animal every time we go places, if he is giving out that energy that he would rather be hanging out at the next table where some object of his affection is sitting, then does that make me insecure or perhaps choosy on the quality of my company?  And what if the quality of my company is sub par to me?  If I confront him and he says something like "I was just being nice to her"  isn't going to cut it anymore, am I allowed to move on?  Do I get to upset the entire family and break my child's heart to separate from him and destroy the "thing" that we had?  That thing where we are best friends who make each other laugh, party together, collaborate over art and projects together, have sex and get along in this domestic life together, that is not at all emotionally fullfilling?  I want to feel loved, to be adored, to have this connection where I know I can talk about anything and be understood or at least heard.  It's been a lonely eight years and the kicker is he will be completely shocked when I lower the boom and end this thing while im still young enough to have a second chance.  And I will feel guilty and wrong for doing it, because he is the responsible one who takes care of EVERYTHING.  He keeps it all going so I can only feel like the selfish one for not wanting to starve emotionally anymore.