Only in the closet am I a sucker for love, the way they play it out in movies and tv shows, the fake kind that I counted on, that steered me wrong. And I'm still into it, this fake rendition of love, even though I know its not real. Hollywood usually gets me to buy the fantasy. I was weeping while Linda Gray's character Sue Ellyn spoke at JR's funeral. Dallas came back to TV and I was hoping to see Sue Ellyn and JR together in the end. Unfortunately Larry Hagman died and I walked around for days silently asking why? It was like a loved one of mine passed. So the ultimate scoundrel wrote his late wife a letter that she read at the funeral, proving he still loved her in the end. It made my heart feel full for a few seconds while I savored the promised undying love. I have dreamt of this reunion, and now I would have to settle for this bitter sweet closure. Growing up watching soaps, I believed like many other young females that lovers may lose their way for years but find their way back in the end.
We had neighbors who used to fight as crazy as they did on Dynasty, this very glamorous couple never got divorced so I assumed it was because they loved each other. My mother had to inform me they stayed because it would be too expensive for the husband to get rid of her. One night out with them, my parents come home suddenly saying that they were fighting so bad, throwing things etc. and they were supposed to go out for dinner to celebrate their anniversary. I thought it all hot and romantic, surely they would be having some seriously good sex later. All that passion! Even as an adult in my thirties I kept waiting to hear they were still together, not just married because of the money but really together. My mom just rolled her eyes and told me she was too old for him now, the glamourous wife who dressed like Elizabeth Taylor was in her late fifties. He was into much younger women. At thirty years old I didn't understand. Weren't they going to eventually make up and live happily ever after? Wasn't he going to wake up and realize he missed her and immediatley fly to their condo in Florida where she stayed for months on end and beg her to come home? I recalled a time I came over to their house for something. I was about twelve and the husband picked up a playboy and showed me the centerfold She was a voluptuous blonde. He snapped to another page to show me a picture of her sitting in her boyfriends lap who was in a wheelchair. He was confused with her story, couldn't understand how a woman like that could love a man in a wheelchair and her claim that he was a wonderful lover was just too much for him to handle. It annoyed him so much he had to ask a twelve year old girl who knew the answer of course. Didn't all twelve year old girls hold a much more deeper definition of love than the rest of the world?
Now that I'm officially off the shelf, meaning being past my prime, I understand it more profoundly. They say you have to walk in a mans shoes to understand him. I get that it was a gift that had to come to an end. My power is not the same post shelf life. If I'm upset over something he's done, big deal, no skin off his back. He still has no problem sleeping at night, snoring away to his hearts content while I wonder just how far a knitting needle would go into his eye. Friends of mine cheat to get what they are missing from their mates. There are no invitations to my foolish heart. I can see it isn't real, it's an illusion in every person's mind. And for women, it's that need to create that fantasy for their man, or to snare a man, willing to put themselves out there and portray what she thinks he wants to see. I really don't think its real, it doesn't last as promised and I'm spitting mad I got suckered into believing all of it to begin with. Thanks Hollywood, now please pump out some more love stories that make me cry. You know the kind where the man never leers at women half his age when they are together, the kind that has all the right words and believable portrays that sincerity without making my eyes roll. I'm a seasoned veteran, I've heard them all but I'm sure there has got to be a fresh spin. Maybe I should just write it. How hard could it be?
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